


"Why are you smiling?"

by Chimney_on_the_roof



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Awkwardness, Crushes, First Kiss, Mutual Pining, Non-Binary Alex, Other, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:54:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24877264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chimney_on_the_roof/pseuds/Chimney_on_the_roof
Summary: “Oh shit,” Alex whispered and suddenly straightened their spine. Lafayette, bent over his notebook, looked up at them and followed their gaze to the library’s entrance. The person who had just come in was none other than John. “Laf, what do I do?” Alex whispered.A.k.a. Alex takes John to the booksore with them and there are some ~feelings~
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 5
Kudos: 56





	"Why are you smiling?"

**Author's Note:**

> Alex is non-binary in this fic yeee

“I don’t know what to write!” Alex whined and they leaned forward on their desk to put their head in their arms. Lafayette looked at them with raised eyebrows. “That’s new,” he remarked dryly.

With a painful expression Alex lifted their head to look at him. “It’s not. Every time I so much as think about John, the words to write down just… disappear. I know what to write, but the exact words won’t come to mind, you know?” They looked at Lafayette intently, hoping to receive a look of understanding. Instead, their friend turned his attention back to his own notebook and shrugged. “Talk to him in person then.”

In Lafayette’s opinion the conversation was over. Alex’s mind was racing and buzzing. Then they thought of something. “Hey Laf, do you have experience with this kind of thing? I mean, do you…?”

“No,” Lafayette said quickly, not looking up to meet Alex’s eyes. That made Alex wonder if he was telling the truth, but clearly Lafayette didn’t want to talk about it. “Alright,” they said slowly.

Alex rested their chin in their hands and stared at the entrance of the library. They were studying in the library, or rather, Lafayette was. Alex was trying to come up with words to describe their crush and their feelings and emotions. They usually had no problem writing, but John was different. He wasn’t someone to describe with words. John was better than words. If Alex said that to Lafayette, he wouldn’t believe them, but Alex knew it was true. They even knew that John liked them back.

They realised how blessed they were to know that their feelings were mutual. They wanted to let John know that, because Alex tried to hide their feelings as best as they could. They didn’t know why exactly, but Lafayette had still found out about their crush, so Alex confided in him.

“Oh shit,” Alex whispered and suddenly straightened their spine. Lafayette, bent over his notebook, looked up at them and followed their gaze to the library’s entrance. The person who had just come in was none other than John. “Laf, what do I do?” Alex whispered.

Lafayette huffed playfully and said, “Act naturally. You’ll be fine. He’s just a person.”

Alex turned their gaze from John to Lafayette with wide eyes and their mouth opened in protest. “He is not just a person!” they said indignantly. “He’s, he’s…” Words failed, but the wild gestures they made with their hands made it obvious enough for Lafayette that to Alex, John was more than just a person.

“Fine,” Lafayette chuckled. With his eyes he followed John, who was looking around for an empty desk to sit at. Lafayette nudged Alex, who tried to make themself invisible behind their notebook. “What if he comes to sit here?” they asked with a hint of panic in their voice.

Lafayette gave them an incredulous look. “Isn’t that what you want?”

“No!” Alex looked puzzled. “Yes. No. Yes! But what… what do I say?”

They didn’t need an answer, because John had found an empty desk on the other side of the library. Alex sighed. They and John were facing each other, but John was unpacking his bag and not looking at Alex. “Has he even seen me?” they said, half to themself.

“Probably,” Lafayette said to his notebook.

John was done unpacking his bag and he opened his laptop. He looked over the screen and Alex quickly looked away with a pounding heart. They covered their mouth and whispered, “He saw me, he saw me, he saw me!”

“What happened to trying to hide your feelings,” Lafayette asked nobody in particular. Alex didn’t answer and instead turned their attention to the empty pages in front of them, trying not to stare at John. They felt their cheeks heat up and pretended to write, but instead drew some squiggly lines. Their most poetic writing so far, they thought sarcastically. Alex could practically feel John’s eyes on them. They carefully looked up and saw John quickly looking away. A smile made its way to their lips.

Alex frantically tried to come up with an excuse to get closer to John. Books. Books were always the solution. Behind the desk John was sitting at were large bookcases full of – what else – books. Not surprising since they were in a library. The only problem was that the bookcases behind John were filled with children’s books.

The next time John looked over to where he had seen Alex, they weren’t there anymore. Lafayette was still there, and so was Alex’s notebook, but Alex themself wasn’t. John carefully scanned the library, but there were too many bookcases blocking his view. He supposed Alex wouldn’t leave the library without their notebook, so they’d probably be back soon. He told himself not to obsess over Alex so much, and to focus on his own studying. He kept an eye on Alex’s abandoned desk, but they didn’t return within the next two minutes.

The next time John saw Alex, they were behind him. They had tapped John on the shoulder. John spun around and his heart jumped when he saw it was Alex. The first thing he noticed was how handsome they looked. Their long, black hair and dark eyes made them look mysterious, but John knew that those eyes could light up when Alex was passionately talking about some topic. He waited for them to say something.

“Hi,” they nervously said.

“Hey,” John responded, sounding more relaxed than he was feeling.

“Are you doing something this afternoon?” Alex asked hesitantly.

John couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his face. “No, how about you?”

Alex sighed in relief, which made John happier. He didn’t like Alex being nervous – it was contagious. “Okay, good. I wanted to go to a bookstore, they have a sale. You like books too, right?” They looked around at the books in the library.

“Are you asking me to-”

“I’m just asking if you would want to come,” Alex interrupted him hurriedly. John blinked. That was what he was going to say, but he supposed the option that Alex thought he was implying was better – asking him on a date. He wasn’t sure what to think about Alex’s sudden interruption. Maybe they just wanted to be friends. Come to think of it, Alex didn’t have many friends. John had only ever seen Alex around Lafayette.

“Yeah, sure!” he said. Alex grinned at him. Their eyes lit up and John’s heart couldn’t take it.

“Just, uh, come over to my desk over there when you’re done with your stuff.” Alex looked at John’s laptop and saw a website to practise Dutch. “Ooh, that looks cool!” John followed their gaze and shrugged.

“My dad’s in The Netherlands and wants me to learn Dutch. It’s really complicated. I mean, there are so many irregular verbs and the sentence structure is just illogical,” he said with a sigh. Alex looked curious. “Can you teach me?”

John’s eyes widened. “No way. I’m nowhere near fluent!”

Alex didn’t seem knocked back – they pulled up a chair and took a seat next to John. “Why don’t you tell me everything you know?” Their wonderful eyes were on John with an eager look. He couldn’t resist, and laughed in defeat. “Okay.”

An hour later, Alex knew a bit about Dutch. Their broad knowledge of other languages and the fact that they were a fast and eager learner made them understand it quite well. John was a good teacher, and Alex noticed that John had more fun in Dutch when he explained it to them. Alex knew that explaining the thing you’re studying to others makes you understand it better yourself, so they were happy to be able to help John.

Also, John had been feeling like he had been learning Dutch for his father, and Alex suspected that his relationship with his father wasn’t a really good one. But now that John taught Dutch to Alex, he got a new purpose for studying the language. A purpose with a better association. Alex loved that John was so open about his feelings.

Alex went back to their desk to pack their things while John packed his. Lafayette looked up and Alex smiled at him. Without having to say anything, Lafayette understood that their plan to get closer to John was going well. “I’m going to the bookstore with John,” Alex told Lafayette. “See you tomorrow!” They slung their bag over one shoulder.

“Have fun!”

Alex met John at the entrance and smiled at him. He smiled back and Alex’s day was made. Such a simple and seemingly insignificant interaction was enough to make Alex’s heart beat as if… There was nothing to compare it with – this was new. And they loved it. They loved being in love. They loved John.

Something in them told them not to jump to conclusions like that. They didn’t even know John very well, so they decided to label it “like”. They liked John. Like-liked John. From the corners of their eyes they looked at John as he walked on the left side of them. His hair was tied back in a ponytail with some loose curls bouncing around his face. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his green jacket, which, in Alex’s opinion, suited him very well. The green brought out the colour in John’s eyes.

John looked at Alex and they both smiled nervously when they caught each other’s eyes. Alex thought of something to say, but the silence wasn’t awkward. John hoped that Alex was smiling for the same reason he was. If they were someone else, John would’ve asked them why they were smiling. He would suspect they were thinking about a ‘special someone’, like his father had asked him when he caught John smiling because something reminded him of Alex. John hoped that was the reason for Alex’s smile, but he didn’t have the courage to ask Alex. Maybe they were thinking about someone else, maybe they were just happy to be able to take someone with them to the bookstore instead of having to go alone. He didn’t know and he didn’t ask.

“Why are you smiling?” Alex asked him with a smile of their own. As if he was stung John turned his head away. “I’m not.” He looked at Alex to show him he wasn’t, but when he saw them trying – and failing – to raise an eyebrow, a grin spread across his face.

“Ha!” Alex exclaimed, “I was right.”

John raised an eyebrow – successfully – and asked, “Why do you want to know? Can’t I just enjoy the beautiful weather?”

Alex looked up at the sky. “It’s boring weather. It’s neither sunny nor raining, neither warm nor cold, neither windless nor stormy. All I see is a white field of clouds with no promise of rainfall. John – if I knew your last name I would use it – how can you call this weather beautiful?”

John laughed in surprise. “That was poetic. My last name is Laurens, by the way.”

“Well, John Laurens,” Alex said ceremoniously, “my name is Alex Hamilton. And you still haven’t answered two of my questions.”

John gave a deep nod of the head in acknowledgement. His heart was bursting with admiration for Alex. “That’s true, but you haven’t answered mine either, but alright, I’ll start. I can call this weather beautiful because I have freedom of speech and I was smiling because,” he fell silent for a second. Alex looked at him with curious eyes. “Because you were smiling.”

“Well, that’s sweet,” Alex deadpanned.

“You think?”

“Yup.”

“And now my questions. Why did you want to know?”

Alex huffed. “Why are we having such a serious conversation?” they asked rhetorically.

“You’re the one who started! Now answer my question!” John said with a grin. Alex mirrored his grin. With a sudden courage, they said, “I wanted to know if you were smiling because of the same thing I was smiling for.”

John blinked at them. “Uh… and?”

Alex shrugged. “Were you smiling because you think I’m beautiful?”

“What?” John blurted out. He looked at the window display of the thrift store they were passing by. He noticed a typewriter and some other really nice looking things, but he supposed this wasn’t the right moment to drag Alex into the store with him. “Uh…”

Alex gave him a soft shove. “Because I was. I mean,” they quickly corrected themself, “I wasn’t smiling because I think _I’m_ beautiful, but because _you’re_ beautiful.”

John looked back at Alex and saw them blush, which in turn made him blush. He noticed they had stopped walking. Alex pointed at something behind John. “We’re here.”

John spun around and saw the shop window of a bookstore. ‘SALE! 30% off!’ one of the posters on the window said. Alex walked past him and John followed them into the large bookstore, supposing their conversation, however confusing it was, was over.

Alex had been to this bookstore countless times, and they were amused by John’s expression when he entered. The store was like the Tardis, it looked bigger on the inside. Alex figured that John could find his way around and made their way to their favourite section. An amount of identical pieces of paper were taped on several bookcases. Alex read one of them and discovered that only the books with a red sticker were 30% off. That tempered their excitement, but nevertheless they searched through their favourite bookcase. They would end up buying two or three books anyway, regardless of whether it had discount or not.

After a while John appeared on their right side. He was holding three books of the same colour scheme and size, all with a red sticker. Alex tried to read the titles, but John already told them. “It’s The Hunger Games. I’ve wanted to read these books for ages, but they’re always lent out in the libraries.”

Alex looked at him with wide eyes. “You haven’t read The Hunger Games?” they said incredulously.

“I’ve seen the movies?” John said as an apology, but Alex wasn’t impressed.

“The books are really great, and they’re not hard to read, you know? I can’t believe you haven’t read them.” They had their hands on their hips. John liked this impudent side of Alex. John lifted the books he was holding a little higher. “Well, I’m buying them now.” Alex held their gaze for a moment longer and then suddenly let their arms fall limp by their side. “Fair enough.”

They bent down to pick up the small pile of books they had collected on the ground. When they stood up again they flicked some hair that was covering their face aside with a nudge of their head and smiled at John. He automatically smiled back. Alex saw this becoming a routine.

“Wait, let’s get a basket,” Alex said, walking towards the basket stack. Alex dropped their books carefully into a basket and John put his books in the same one. From the looks of it, the books Alex was about to buy were all non-fiction. He counted five books. They carried the heavy basket together.

“There are stairs in the back that lead to an archive of really old books. We should ask if we can see those!” Alex’s eyes were shining with excitement, and John couldn’t say no to that. They went to the service desk. The girl behind it seemed to know Alex, and she called for a co-worker to take her place behind the service desk. She put their basket under the counter.

“My name’s Eliza,” she told John. He supposed she couldn’t be much older than him. “I’m John,” he said.

“It’s his first time here,” Alex added. Eliza’s face lit up. “Great! The archive is probably not as astounding as Alex may have made you believe, but I have to admit it’s impressive.” Alex nodded enthusiastically. John was rather curious. “We don’t usually show it to the public, but I can make an exception.”

She led them through a door in the back, behind which a spiral staircase went up. Eliza went up first and turned on the lights. When John came up next, he saw rows of high bookcases filled with books in several shades of brown. “Wow…” he breathed. Alex appeared by his side and grinned at him.

“Most of these leather-bound books are originally from England. Handwritten by monks in the Middle Ages,” Eliza said. John stepped closer to one of the bookcases. He admired the craftsmanship of these age-old books. “Can I…?” he asked Eliza, pointing to the books.

“If you’re careful, but I don’t doubt you won’t be,” she said with a kind smile. John nodded in excitement and carefully grabbed a book. It was big and heavy. Alex held it in their hands and John flipped the pages. They could barely read the words, because the handwriting was so different than what they were used to. Eliza looked over their shoulders and pointed at a sentence.

“‘And wear fresh clothes and wash’…” she read. Alex nodded along. They continued, “Uhh, something, something, ‘your hand, and’… ‘your wife delight’… It’s really hard to read. What is this?”

“‘These things alone’…” John read.

“I believe it’s the Epic of Gilgamesh,” Eliza said.

Alex’s face lit up, “Oh! I’ve read about it! It’s about this hero, Gilgamesh, isn’t it?”

Eliza chuckled. “Yes, that’s usually what epics are about: heroes. The title kind of gave it away. I don’t actually know much about the story.”

“Unfortunately,” Alex mumbled. “I’ll have to do some research then.”

They closed the book and put it back on the shelf. Eliza showed them more books, some newer books and some even older books that they weren’t allowed to touch because they were so fragile.

“Why do you have such a big archive?” John asked curiously.

“We have the space for it,” she simply responded with a shrug.

Alex added, “And I don’t think it’s unimportant to mention that this bookstore is famous?”

“It is?” John asked Alex with wide eyes. “Why have I never heard of this store before?”

“Famous is a big word, Alex,” Eliza protested. “In Alex’s mind this bookstore is like paradise,” she said with a teasing smile.

Alex considered it and shrugged. “Okay, maybe I exaggerated, but this is a very popular bookstore nevertheless.”

“That’s true,” Eliza admitted. John chuckled. He noticed how easily Eliza and Alex teased and talked to each other. He wished he had that kind of friendship with Alex. Strangely enough, he didn’t feel out of place.

Suddenly someone called from downstairs, “Eliza, work!”

“Coming!” Eliza called back. To Alex and John she said, “That’s my sister. I’m afraid I have to do stuff in the store and I can’t leave you here alone,” she eyed Alex who made an innocent face, “So let’s go. After you,” she gestured to the stairs.

Alex and John paid for their books and thanked Eliza for showing them the archive. She told them it was no problem. “You should come here more often!” she told John.

“I’d love to,” he responded. Alex thought John and Eliza could become good friends. They made a mental note to invite them over together sometime.

Alex looked at John. They were outside the bookstore, paper bags with books in their hands. John looked back at them. “Where to next?”

John looked at the sky, as if he could tell the time by looking at the sun. Maybe he could, Alex thought. “What time is it?” John asked. Alex smiled to themself and got their phone from their pocket.

“Why are you smiling?” John asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Are we having this conversation again?” Alex exclaimed with feigned desperation and they rolled their eyes. John chuckled. “It’s half past five,” Alex said, changing the subject. They saw John’s shoulders slump.

“I guess I should be going home then,” John said with a disappointed tone in his voice. Alex’s heart was racing. Should they…?

“What way is your home? I could walk with you for a while.”

John face brightened. “Sure! It’s the same way we came. I live really close to the library.”

“Really? In the neighbourhood with rich pricks?” Alex couldn’t believe it. They thought John wasn’t _that_ rich.

“Yeah, my dad…” Alex suddenly understood. John’s father was in The Netherlands, not for a vacation, but for some political stuff John didn’t go into detail about. Of course they were rich.

They walked the same way back. They didn’t talk, they just enjoyed each other’s presence. _Being in_ each other’s presence, more specifically. Alex’s heart was still racing. They thought about the inevitable moment they’d have to part ways. How would they say goodbye? Was this a date? Should they tell John about their feelings for him? What was John thinking?

John was thinking about the same things. He was conflicted. He knew Alex knew about his crush, so was this a date? Or was this purely out of friendship? He decided that it wasn’t a date because Alex hadn’t said it was. He figured Alex would tell him if it was. He looked at the person walking beside him. They didn’t notice him watching them. Their long hair was tucked behind their ears for the most part, but some strands had fallen out of place and were framing their face. They were both holding their bags with books on the other side than the other was on, meaning John could just grab Alex’s hand. He didn’t, but his heart jumped at the thought. He looked away.

Once they reached the library, John would have to cross the street and enter a side street. They halted in front of the library and looked at each other, like they had done outside the bookstore. They didn’t know they were thinking the same thing: how to say goodbye?

Eventually, Alex went in for a hug. John embraced them in surprise. The hug was longer than what would be considered normal among friends, but neither of them cared about ‘normal’. It was a warm hug filled with the unspoken words that were dancing in their minds. John softly pulled away and saw that Alex looked so _peaceful_. It felt like the world had stopped and only Alex was there, looking like they would never go away.

Alex’s stomach was filled with butterflies. John was smiling softly and Alex could drown in his eyes. They could still feel John’s arms around them, even after they had let go of each other. They continued thinking about John on their way home. They should have kissed him, they should have kissed him, Alex thought with regret. They had watched John cross the street and walk away. They should have run after him, they should have kissed him.

Alex came home and immediately after closing the door behind them their knees collapsed under the weight of their heart. When would be the next time they got the chance to kiss John?

After John had entered the side street and was out of Alex’s sight, he made an impulsive decision. He turned back around and ran back to where he last saw Alex. He caught a glimpse of them rounding a corner with their head hung low. John wasn’t sure why his heart jumped at that sight. He raced to the corner and saw Alex several feet ahead of him. He stopped, considering his options. He decided to follow Alex. Was he being a stalker? Well, he had no bad intentions. They were friends, right?

Alex entered a house, presumably theirs, and the door closed. John halted again and watched the door motionless, as if Alex would just appear out of thin air. A minute later he walked to the door. What next?

A knock on the door startled Alex from their sulking. They got up, hoping against better judgement that it was John. Of course it wasn’t John, they’d seen him walk away.

John wondered how Alex got to the door so fast after he knocked. Alex could feel their heart beat in their throat when they saw it _was_ indeed John.

“John…” they said, unable to say anything else. John smiled his blinding smile. He took a step towards Alex, who didn’t object. They could only stare at him. John was waiting for the question what he was doing here and he was feverishly searching for an excuse, when Alex asked an entirely different question. “Can I kiss you?”

John felt his insides melt and he nodded.

Alex’s hands cupped his face and John grabbed their waist. They closed the space between their lips and finally, _finally_ , they knew this was better than either of them could have ever dreamed of.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I start too many paragraphs with "John" or "Alex" and I tried to limit it but eh, who cares  
> Also, have y'all seen the trailer for the Hamilfilm? I'm so excited azdzajshksaaa
> 
> Please let me know what you think :)


End file.
